


The Real Mary Sue

by MrsHamill



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 16:46:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6017092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHamill/pseuds/MrsHamill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The real Mary Sue (Johnson) walks into Hogwarts and...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Real Mary Sue

**Author's Note:**

> Written with Tessa Crowley (but I bet she doesn't remember it!). I didn't list you as co-author in order to spare you the ignominy.

By lunchtime on September the twenty-eighth, nearly everyone knew.

Harry noticed Hermione and Ron with their heads together as he made his way to the Gryffindor table for lunch (Professor Snape had held Harry back for a reprimand after potions class, an unfortunately common occurrence). When Harry sat and began filling his plate, both his friends turned to look at him.

"What?" Harry asked, with his mouth full of cold chicken.

"You did hear, didn't you?" Hermione asked.

"Hear what?"

"You don't _know_?" 

Harry looked from Hermione to Ron. "Know what?"

Ron rolled his eyes. "There's another one. She'll be here tonight to be sorted."

"Another one of _what_?"

"Another one of... _them_!" Hermione said, with even more drama than normal.

Ron rolled his eyes again. "Another one of those birds. You remember the last one, Moonwater Icy-something-or-other. The crazy bint with the eyes, you know..."

"Every _girl_ in this school has _eyes_ , Ronald," Hermione said with a glare. "The girl whose eyes changed colors. Remember?"

Harry choked on his chicken. "You're joking."

"I wish I were," Ron said. The boys looked at each other in horror.

"What are we going to do?" Hermione asked.

"What _can_ we do?" Harry muttered. He suddenly had no appetite. "I think murder is illegal, Hermione."

"But you remember what the last one did!" Ron said. "She almost--"

He spoke a little too loudly which caused Malfoy and his cronies to turn and chortle. "Hey, Potter! I hear there's another one here... you think this one will blow up the astronomy tower too?"

"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry muttered without turning.

"Seriously, what are we going to do?" Hermione kept her voice down after shooting a glare to the Slytherin table. "You _know_ she'll end up in Gryffindor, they always do!"

Malfoy's hearing must have been quite acute because he laughed again. "Yeah, fancy that, they always do end up in Gryffindor!" His grin was positively feral. "Isn't that a damn shame, Crabbe?"

"Shut UP, Malfoy," Harry muttered again.

"Well, since murder is probably out of the question..." Ron began.

"Says who?" Harry interrupted.

They shared a speculative look which was derailed by Professor McGonagall, who was passing behind Ron and Hermione. "Murder _is_ illegal," she growled, "and against wizarding law."

They blinked at each other in surprise as she passed by. Ron frowned. "She must be remembering the last one."

"Oh yeah, that whole thing with the duck and the bowl of spaghetti." Harry nodded.

"Are we _sure_ murder is illegal and against wizarding law?" Hermione asked.

"Technically," Ron allowed.

* * *

By dinner, the entire school was in a state of quiet panic. Harry was certain that everyone at the Gryffindor table carried their wands to dinner, despite the rules. Sure enough, the Sorting Hat was on its stool in front of the teachers' table, waiting for the new student to be sorted. Harry found it vaguely alarming that the students weren't the only ones nervous; several of the professors were pale and anxious and Snape was even paler than usual... he looked almost like a corpse. After a moment's reflection of the last one's effect on Snape, Harry understood why a large container of Bromosel sat next to Snape's plate. 

Once all the houses were seated, Dumbledore rose and tapped his glass for attention. "As I'm sure you're all aware, we have yet another exchange student from America beginning school tonight. It is my hope that we can put the past to rest and help her settle in and get caught up on her studies." 

Snape poured a measure of Bromosel into his water glass and drank it all in one gulp.

"Without further ado," Dumbledore said, "please welcome Miss Mary Sue Johnson to Hogwarts."

Simultaneously, every student seated at dinner turned to the door of the great hall. The doors opened and framed within them was... 

A girl.

She was wearing jeans and a white blouse and looked nervous, which threw Harry off. She had very light brown hair in a braid down her back and glasses and wore... were those red high-top sneakers?

She walked down the center aisle and every head in the place turned to watch her go, which seemed to make her more nervous. Harry was confused; the last one rode a broom (doing loops) down the aisle and the one before that had turned into a leopard halfway down. The one before _that_ had drawn every boy (and quite a few girls) in the room to her side well before she made it to the Sorting Hat.

The girl reached the dais on which the Sorting Hat stool sat and stumbled as she took the step up. Professor McGonagall was behind the stool and gave the girl her best fish-eye, but McGonagall was always like that. Nervously, the girl sat on the stool as indicated and McGonagall put the Sorting Hat on her head.

Thereupon followed the strangest part of the evening, for the Sorting Hat said nothing. For quite a long while. Several of the students and a few teachers shifted nervously, waiting for the blasted thing to speak. When it did, it was nothing they had expected.

"Erm. Oh, my," the Sorting Hat said. "Um, hmm."

Ron looked at Harry with alarm. "Is this good or bad, d'you reckon?" Ron hissed, but Hermione shushed him.

After a few more moments, the Sorting Hat said, "Does anyone have a sickle?"

The teachers looked at each other. Well, all but Snape did; Snape's gaze was on his hands, which were gripping the edge of the table so hard he might be leaving indentations in the wood. He still looked like a corpse. Finally, Professor Lupin (who had a small, mysterious half-smile on his face), shifted and reached into a pocket. "I do," he said into the echoing silence.

"Flip that for me, if you please?" the Sorting Hat said.

His smile grew wider as Lupin flipped the coin. It landed on the table and clattered to a stop. "Tails," he said.

"Tails? Very good then. GRYFFINDOR!"

The Slytherin table erupted into cheers. Harry groaned "Not again!" but the sound was lost in the cacophony. 

The girl looked up at McGonagall, who had lifted the Sorting Hat from her head. "Is that where I sit?" she asked, pointing to the Slytherin table (all of whom were, by this time, high-fiving each other). 

"No." McGonagall's voice could win awards for its flatness. "You sit at _that_ table." She pointed to the Gryffindor table where nearly everyone had put their heads down. Several of them were openly weeping.

"Then why are they cheering?" she asked, but McGonagall just turned and stalked back to her seat at the high table.

The girl stood from the stool and looked utterly confused. Blasted Hermione and her altruistic streak -- with a resigned sigh she stood and walked up to the dais. Taking the girl's arm, she tugged. "Come on, then." With a small squeak, the girl followed (not that she had much of a choice), stumbling again at the step to the floor. 

Once back at her seat, Hermione made room for the girl who seated herself just as the food appeared. Her jaw dropped and her eyes -- which, to Harry, seemed quite ordinarily brown -- nearly popped from her head. "How did that happen?" she asked and every head within hearing distance snapped around to look at her.

Into the silence that followed that question, Ron asked, "Is she joking?"

Hermione did a credible double take. "You're not joking, are you?"

"Ummm... no?" The girl -- Mary Sue -- nervously pulled her braid around and fiddled with the end of it. "Is that magic?"

This time the silence was broken by ill-concealed sniggers. "Yes," Hermione said, drawing the word out. "That _is_ what Hogwarts is for. You didn't know that?"

"Well, yes... I..."

"Why are your eyes brown?" Ron, sitting on the other side of Hermione, suddenly demanded.

"Umm... because my dad's eyes are brown? Is that, like, a trick question?" Mary Sue put the end of her braid in her mouth and began chewing on it. "Are we supposed to eat this stuff?"

Harry found himself fascinated. She was so blasted _ordinary_ it was uncanny. "That _is_ what it's for," he replied to her question, mimicking Hermione.

She looked at the spread before her and her face pinched. "Oh. I don't suppose there's any way I could, like, get a hamburger?"

"What's a hamburger?" Ron asked and Hermione smacked him. "Ow! I was just joking."

Hermione dished herself some potatoes. "Where are you from, Mary Sue? Oh, and I'm Hermione, by the way."

"Um, hi, I'm from Cleveland." Tentatively, she reached out for a dish of chicken then dropped it with a little shriek when Nearly Headless Nick popped up through the middle of the table.

"I say, a new student?" Everyone was staring at Mary Sue, who was shrinking back in her seat, white as a... well, as a ghost. Or Professor Snape. "Jolly good."

"What... He's... Who..."

"Nick, this is Mary Sue," Ron mumbled around a mouthful of spotted dick. "She's an exchange student from America. Mary Sue, meet Nearly Headless Nick." 

"I prefer SIR Nicolas," the ghost replied. Then he blinked, and, with a look of horror, added, "Not another one of... THEM?!" and disappeared.

"You scared off Sir Nick! Good job!" Ron said. "I'm Ron. Ron Weasley. It's nice to meet you, I think."

Mary Sue was still in shock. "Was... was that... was..."

"Sir Nick is a ghost. There's lots of them around." Harry pointed out the Bloody Baron who was presently engaged in what appeared to be a profane debate with Snape, who was looking considerably better than he had before Mary Sue had been sorted. "I'm Harry. Harry Potter and yes, I'm that Harry Potter, please don't make a big thing about it."

"You're who?"

For the third or fourth time that evening, everyone within hearing distance froze and turned towards Mary Sue. Malfoy appeared to be choking to death, the lucky bastard. Crabbe walloped him on the back which unfortunately saved his life. "The little bint doesn't know who you are, Potter! Fancy that!" Malfoy laughed once he could breathe again.

"Shut *UP*, Malfoy," he said again. He seemed to be saying that a lot.

"Who's that?" Mary Sue said to Hermione, indicating Malfoy.

"That's Draco Malfoy. Ignore the stupid git." Hermione glared at Malfoy across the table.

"Spoken like a true Mudblood," Malfoy said with a sneer. "So, Carrie Lou, what's your story? Is everyone across the pond as stupid as you?"

"MALFOY, shut UP!" Harry, Ron and Hermione yelled at once.

"Rude too, isn't he?" Mary Sue said. "And my name is Mary Sue."

"You say that like it means something," Malfoy said with a sneer. "By this time next month, you'll have burned down one of the outbuildings or something and have been expelled, just like all the others. Do us a favor, love, and see if you can't blow up Gryffindor tower? It's just an eyesore."

Mary Sue looked almost as shocked as when she saw Nick. "What? Blown up... set on fire... What?"

Ron and Harry exchanged incredulous glances. "She really doesn't know," Harry said. 

"Not even about the duck and the bowl of spaghetti?"

"I guess not," Harry said. "Look, tell us how you came to be here, would you? Are you some kind of weird animagus?"

"A _what_?" The poor girl was beginning to look slightly green. "I... I don't know what you mean. I mean, I... I accidentally turned Uncle Kevin into a frog, and my dad said it was, you know, like an improvement but Mom freaked out. So dad called Grampa, because my step-gramma's sister's husband's cousin worked at a place in England where they knew how to handle stuff like... like what I did. And so she called and he called home and Mom and Dad said..."

"Who called home?" Harry asked, his head beginning to whirl.

"Uh, I don't know what he is to me, I mean, like, he's not my uncle or anything, but it's Mister, I mean, Professor Flitwick." She looked between the three of them. 

Malfoy had been shamelessly eavesdropping. "I think I felt my IQ drop a few points listening to that story," he said to Goyle.

"Huh?" said Goyle.

"Never mind."

"For the love of Merlin, would you shut UP, Malfoy?!" Harry snapped.

"Would you care to try and make me, Potter?" Malfoy responded in his most snide tone.

Poor Mary Sue was looking a bit knackered and Harry thought he could see tears in her eyes. Poor kid, she was probably homesick on top of everything else, and his fight with Malfoy couldn't be helping. Studiously ignoring the git behind him, Harry said, "Look, I'm sorry, I guess we all thought you were... well, someone else."

She sniffed, hard. Her nose was turning red and her face blotchy. "Someone else? I don't understand... I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and, like, I've never even been to England before, and my head hurts 'cause I think I'm jetlagged and..."

Ron grimaced at Harry across the table. They had all been expecting someone so different than her! "Let me see if I can help," Harry said. "Dobby!"

After a moment, the house-elf ran up. "Mister Harry Potter wants Dobby?" 

"Yes, this is the new student, from America, Mary Sue." Dobby skittered back at Harry's words, looking at the new girl with horror. "No, it's fine, really, she's not like the others, Dobby. There's no need to panic."

"If Mister Harry Potter says so," Dobby said, still eyeing the girl suspiciously.

"Listen, do you think you could get her some American food? Like a hamburger, but more like American hamburgers than that awful MacDonald place up in London?"

Hermione had her arm around Mary Sue, who was definitely getting greener by the moment as she stared at Dobby.

"Oh! Yes, Dobby can get that. Dobby will be right back!"

Dobby vanished and Harry looked across the table to Mary Sue. "He'll bring something for you that's more familiar. Would that help?"

"What _was_ that?" Mary Sue said, her voice low and trembling.

"Dobby's a house-elf," Hermione said. "You don't have them in America?"

"I've never seen... this is all so horrible... I don't, like, understand any of this..."

A few moments later, Dobby reappeared, carrying a covered tray. "Mister Harry Potter wanted to get something from America for... for her," Dobby said, sliding the tray on the table in front of Harry. From the way he still looked at Mary Sue, it was obvious why he wasn't getting any closer to her than the width of the table.

Dobby took off again and Harry pulled the silver cover off to reveal a bag stenciled with a big, red WENDY'S HAMBURGERS. Mary Sue's jaw dropped again "I don't believe it," she whispered.

"Is this better?" Ron asked, helping Harry make space on the table.

"This is wonderful," Mary Sue said, looking less green but still shocky. She took the bag and opened it. "It's, like, my favorite!"

The normal supper-time noise had engulfed the room, since everyone had apparently decided that this exchange student was, at long last, normal. People were digging in and food was disappearing, and Mary Sue took something odd from her mouth and placed it on the table next to her.

"What the hell is that?" Ron demanded, pointing at the object.

Hermione elbowed him. "It's a retainer, you idiot." Rolling her eyes, she turned back to Mary Sue. "Have you had your braces off just recently?"

"Uh-huh," Mary Sue replied, taking a huge bite of the greasy sandwich. Personally, Harry thought it was much less appetizing than anything else on the table. And the chips looked absolutely soggy.

"My dad's a dentist. But you know, you don't have to use them anymore. Just talk to Madame Pomfrey in the clinic. She'll do a retaining spell on your teeth so you don't need to carry that mess around with you."

"She _can_?" Mary Sue's eyes got big. "My dad's going to love that! What about cavities? And other stuff, like pimples?" She ran her finger over her nose. "My skin's just so oily."

"Oh, mine too." Hermione and Mary Sue were off, discussing the ins and outs of magic versus muggle remedies. Harry and Ron watched and listened, fascinated, until they uttered the dreaded 'T' word and Hermione said something about monthlies.

"Not here! Not here!" Ron yelled, covering his ears.

Ginny, who had shyly come up while Hermione and Mary Sue were talking, bopped her brother on the head. "Just ignore him and he'll go away," she said, making both Hermione and Mary Sue laugh. "I'm Ginny Weasley. You're really from America? Whereabouts? Have you ever been to New York? Or Disneyworld?"

Before long, Mary Sue had met many of the Gryffindor members and seemed much more at ease, though the sight of a ghost still made her shrink back. Harry remembered how it was for him, the first time he'd come to Hogwarts and realized what he had been missing. He could sympathize with her.

"She's really nice," Ginny said, smiling at Harry across the table. "It's about time we got a normal one, don't you think?"

Harry grinned and nodded. Ginny's statement prompted more questions from Mary Sue and it seemed the whole table (and many members from Hufflepuff as well) wanted to chime in with explanations. By the end of supper, Mary Sue was welcomed and was obviously beginning to feel at home, though Harry heard her whisper to Hermione that she still felt a little homesick and 'weirded out,' whatever that meant. 

Finishing the last of his dessert, Harry turned to rise only to find Neville, who had been silently sitting next to him the whole time, hadn't even eaten. Instead, he was staring at Mary Sue with a ghastly expression on his face. "Neville?" Harry asked. "You okay, mate?"

"She's going to turn me into something awful, I just know it," Neville muttered. "I just know it."

Harry and Ron exchanged long-suffering looks. "It'll be okay, Neville. Promise."

In the end, Ron had to come 'round the table and he and Harry manhandled Neville back up to the tower, where Dobby brought him some leftovers for supper.

* * *

More than seven months later, during the first sunny, warmish day of early spring, most of the school was out on the common enjoying the sun. Hermione and Mary Sue had their heads together; they had become fast friends as Hermione got Mary Sue (or MS, as everyone called her) up to speed in school. Save for the strange accent and some odd turns of phrase, Mary Sue looked and sounded pretty much like everyone else in school.

Harry and Ron had just come outside and were almost to the girls when someone yelled. Turning, all four saw a most unusual sight. Approaching was a flying unicorn, its skin blindingly white and horn sparkling purple, headed directly for the school. Every jaw in the area dropped as the incredible creature glided to a perfect four-point landing, its hooves barely touching the turf. Once down, it seemed to shimmer then it changed into a young woman of almost impossible beauty.

Her perfect white hair had glittering streaks of purple in it and she must have been at least half veela, judging from the reaction of every boy (and quite a few girls) in the area. Gathering her long, sparkling robe about her, she glided towards the four friends. Both Hermione and Mary Sue stood as she approached, Hermione's eyes rolling up and Mary Sue's brow furrowing.

"Oh, you must be Harry Potter!" the strange girl cried as she spotted Harry. Her voice was breathless and beautiful and her smile absolutely incandescent.

"Uhhh..." Harry said, blinking in shock. From behind them came an unholy shriek.

"Was that Professor Snape?" Mary Sue asked, glancing back at the castle. 

"I'm Serena Gossamer and I'm a new exchange student from America. I'm just so happy to be here! My Uncle Albus has spoken so highly of all of you!"

Time seemed to freeze for Harry as he watched the beautiful vision move towards him. Mary Sue's voice broke the spell, finally.

"Oh! _This_ is what you meant!" Tearing his eyes from Serena Whoever, Harry frowned at Mary Sue, who was pulling her wand from her pocket. "How totally bogus. I think I can handle this." Pointing her wand at Serendipity Gorgeous or whoever, she said in a clear voice, "Avada kedavra!"

The strange and beautiful girl dropped dead in her tracks.

Jaws that had only recently regained their rightful place dropped once again.

Draco Malfoy, who had been standing opposite Harry, walked over to the corpse and kicked it lightly. "Well done! You killed her!" He had a wide grin on his face.

"You... you..." Harry was aghast as he turned from Malfoy to Mary Sue. "You can't use that! It's an _unforgivable!_ You can't... You can't just..."

"Oh, do shut up, Potter. Of course she can. It was in self-defense."

"It was NOT! You're not supposed to... it was not self-defense!"

Malfoy swaggered over to Harry and got right up into his face. "You stupid git, she just saved your bloody life! I cannot believe what an idiot you are..."

"It's an unforgivable, Malfoy! It's not something you can..."

As Harry and Malfoy began yelling at each other, Harry was peripherally aware of the rest of the crowd disbursing and Madame Pomfrey approaching at a leisurely pace, pushing a gurney ahead of her. Mary Sue and Hermione turned to go, shaking their heads.

"D'you think those two are *ever* going to figure it out?" Harry heard Mary Sue say to Hermione. 

"Clueless. Both of them. Never happen in a million years," Hermione replied.

Harry couldn't spare the time to wonder what they were on about because he still had to yell at Malfoy. Couldn't have been important, anyway.

 

end


End file.
